1920 
Copy 1 



ri<? 



SHAM 

A SOCIAL SATIRE IN ONE ACT 
BY FRANK G. TOMPKINS 



^^ 






1 STEWART KIDD 

•MODERN PLAYS 

EDITED BY FRANK SHA"y 




The Portmanteau Plays 

BY STUART WALKER 

Edited and with an introduction by Edward Hale Bierstadt 



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The Trimplet 

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Six Who Pass While the Lentils Boil 

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Introduction 

The Lady of the Weeping Willow Tree 

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Stewart & Kidd Company 

Publishers Cincinnati, U. S. A. 



STEWART KIDD MODERN PLAYS 

Edited by Frank Shay 



SHAM 



Stewart Kidd Modern Plays 

Edited by Frank Shay 

T^O MEET the immensely increased de- 
-^ mands of the play-reading public and those 
interested in the modern drama, Stewart & Kidd 
Company are issuing under the general editor- 
ship of Frank Shay a series of plays from the 
pens of the world's best contemporary writers. 
No effort is being spared to secure the best 
work available, and the plays are issued in a 
form that is at once attractive to readers and 
suited to the needs of the performer and 
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From time to time special announcements will 
be printed giving complete lists of the Plays. 
Those announced thus far are: 

SHAM, a Social Satire in One Act. 
By Frank G. Tompkins. 
Originally produced by Sam Hume, at the 
Arts and Crafts Theatre, Detroit. 

THE SHEPHERD IN THE DISTANCE, 

a Pantomime in One Act. By Holland Hudson. 
Originally produced by the Washington Square 
Players. 

MANSIONS, a Play in One Act. 
By Hildegarde Planner. 

Originally produced by the Indiana Little 
Theatre Society. 

HEARTS TO MEND, a Fantasy in One Act. 
By H. A. Overstreet. 

Originally produced by the Fireside Players, 
White Plains, N. Y. 

Bound in Art Paper. Others to follow. 



SHAM 



A SOCIAL SATIRE 



By 
FRANK G. TOMPKINS 



Originally produced by Sam Hume as the dedicatory piece 

of the new Arts & Crafts Theatre, Detroit, and by 

Maurice Browne of the Chicago Art Theatre. 




CINCINNATI 

STEWART & KIDD COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 






Copyright, 1920 
STEWART & KIDD COMPANY 



All Rights Reserved 
Copyrighted in England 



Reprinted by special arrangement with Mr. Frank G. Tompkins 

The professional and amateur stage rights on this play are strictly 

reserved by the author. Applications tor permission to produce this 

play should be made to Mr. Frank Shay, care Stewart & Kidd Co., 
Cincinnati, U. S. A. 



1% 30 1920 
ClA598e73 






SHAM 

By Frank G. Tompkins 

Three people : Charles, the householder. 
Clara, his wife. 
The Thief. 

Scene: A darkened room. 

After a moment the door opens, admitting a 
streak of light, A man peers in cautiously. As 
soon as he is sure that the room is unoccupied, 
he steps inside and feels along the wall until he 
finds the switch which floods the room with 
light. He is dressed in impeccable taste — evi- 
dently a man of culture. From time to time he 
bites appreciatively on a ham sandwich as he 
looks about him, apparently viewing the room 
for the first time. Nothing pleases him until a 
vase over the mantel catches his eye. He picks 
it up, looks at the bottom, puts it down hard, 
and mutters, ^^ Imitation.'^ Other articles re- 
ceive the same disdainful verdict. The whole 
room is beneath his notice. He starts to sit 
down before the fire and enjoy his sandwich. 
Suddenly he pauses to listen, looks about him 
hurriedly for some place to hide, thinks better 
of it, and takes his stand opposite the door, 
smiling pleasantly and expectantly. The door 
opens and a young woman enters with a man at 
her heels. As she sees the thief she stifles a 
scream and retreats, backing the man out be- 
hind her. The thief smiles and waits. Soon 

5 



SHAM 



the door opens again, and the man enters with 
the woman clinging to him. They stand oppo- 
site the thief and stare at him, not sure what 
they ought to say or do. 

THIEF 

(pleasantly) Good evening! (pause) Good 
evening, good evening. You surprised me. 
Can't say I expected you home so soon. Was 
the play an awful bore? (pause) We-e-ell, 
can't one of you speak. I CAN carry on a con- 
versation alone, but the question-and-answer 
method is usually preferred. If one of you will 
ask me how I do, we might get a step farther. 

CLARA 

(breathlessly) You — you — (with growing con- 
viction) You're a thief! 

THIEF 

Exactly. And you, madame ? The mistress of 
the house, I presume. Or are you another 
thief? The traditional one that It takes to 
catch the first? 

CLARA 

This — this Is OUR house. Charles, why don't 
you do something? Don't stand there like a — 
Make him go away! Tell him he mustn't take 
anything. (Advancing toward the thief and 
speaking all in one sentence) What have you 
taken? Give it to me Instantly. How dare 
you ! Charles, take it away from him. 

CHARLES 

(apparently not afraid, a little amused, but un- 
certain what to do, finally adopting the bullying 
tone) I say, old man, you'd better clear out. 
6 



SHAM 



We've come home. You know you can't — come 
now, give it up. Be sensible. I don't want to 
use force — 

THIEF 

I don't want you to. 

CHARLES ^ 

If you've got anything of ours — We aren t 
helpless, you know. (He starts to draw some- 
thing black and shiny from his overcoat pocket. 
It might he a pistol, but he does not reveal its 
shape.) 
THIEF 

Let's see those glasses. Give them here (takes 
them from the uncertain Charles). Perhaps 
they're better than mine. Fme cases. (Iries 
them) Humph! Window glass! Take them 
back. You're not armed, you know, i threw 
your revolver down the cold-air shaft. Never 
carry one myself— in business hours. Yours 
was in the bottom of your bureau drawer, bad 
shape, those bureau drawers were m. Nice and 
neat on top; rat's nest below. Shows up your 
character in great shape, old man. Always tell 
your man by his bureau drawers. Didn t it ever 
occur to you that a thief might drop in on you 
some night ? What would he think of you f 

CHARLES 

I don't think — 

THIEF 

You should. I said to myself when I opened 
that drawer: "They put up a great surface, but 
they're shams. Probably streak that runs 
through everything they do." You ought to be- 

7 



SHAM 



gin with real neatness. This other sort of thing 
is just a form of dishonesty. 

CLARA 

You ! Talking to US about honesty — in our 
house ! 

THIEF 

Just the place for honesty. Begins at home. 
Let's — 

CLARA 

Charles, I won't stand this? Grab hold of 
him. Search him. You hold him. I'll tele- 
phone. 

THIEF 

You can't. 

CLARA 

You've cut the wires. 

THIEF 

Didn't have to. Your telephone service has 
been cut off by the company. I found that out 
before I came. I suspect you neglected the bill. 
You ought not to, makes no end of trouble. 
Inconvenienced me this evening. Better get it 
put in right away. 

CLARA 

Charles, do I have to stand here and be in- 
sulted? 

THIEF 

Sit down. Won't you, please ! This is your 
last ham-sandwich, so I can't offer you any, but 
there's plenty of beer in the cellar, if you care 
8 



SHAM 



for it. I don't recommend it, but perhaps you're 
used to it. 

CLARA (almost crying) 

Charles, are you going to let him preach to us 
all night ! I won't have it. Being lectured by 
a thief! 

CHARLES 

You can't stop a man's talking, my dear, espe- 
cially this sort of man. Can't you see he's a 
born preacher? Old man, while advice is going 
round, let me tell you that you've missed your 
calling. Why don't you go in for reform? 
Ought to go big. 

CLARA 

Oh, Charles ! Don't talk to him. You're a 
good deal bigger than he is. 

THIEF 

Maybe I'll jiu-jitsu him. 

CLARA 

He's insulting you now, Charles. Please try. 
I'll hold his feet. 

THIEF 

No doubt you would. But that wouldn^t stop 
my talking. You'd be taking an unfair ad- 
vantage, too; I couldn't kick a lady, could I? 
Besides, there are two of you. You leave it to 
Charles and me. Let's have fair play, at least. 

CLARA 

Fair play? I'd like to know — 

THIEF 

Ple-e-ase, don't screech ! My head aches and 
9 



SHAM 



your voice pierces so. Let's sif down quietly 
and discuss the situation like well-bred people, 
and when we've come to some understanding, 
I'll go. 

CLARA 

Yes, after you've taken everything in the house 
and criticised everything else you can't take, 
our manners and our morals. 

CHARLES 

But he is't taking anything now, is he? Let the 
poor chap criticise, can't you? I don't suppose 
he often meets his — er — customers socially. 
He's just dying for a good old visit. Lone- 
some profession, isn't it, old man? 

CLARA 

If you WON'T do anything, I'll call the neigh- 
bors. 

THIEF 

No neighbors to call. Nearest one a block 
away, and he isn't at home. That comes of 
living in a fashionable suburb. Don't believe 
you can afford it, either. WON'T you sit down, 
madame? I can't till you do. Well, then I 
shall have to stand, and I've been on my feet 
all day. It's hardly considerate (plaintively). 
I don't talk so well on my feet, either. It will 
take me much longer this way. (Clara bounces 
into a chair, vieaning fully) Thank you, that's 
better (sighs with relief as he sinks into the easy 
chair) I knew I could appeal to your better 
nature. Have a cigarette ? (Charles accepts 
one from his beautiful case) And you, 
madame? 

lO 



S H A M 



CLARA (puts out her handy but withdraws it 
quickly) 

Thank you, I don't care to smoke — with a thief. 

THIEF 

Right. Better not smoke, anyway. I'm so old- 
fashioned, I hate to see women smoke. None 
of the women in my family do it. Perhaps 
we're too conventional — 

CLARA 

I don't know that I care to be like the women 
of your family. I will have one, if you please. 
No doubt you get them from a man of taste. 

THIEF 

Your next-door neighbor. This is — was — his 
case. Exquisite taste. Seen this case often, I 
suppose? (He eyes them closely) Great 
friends? Or perhaps you don't move in the 
same circles. (Clara glares at him) Pardon 
me. Tactless of me, but how could I guess? 
Well, here's your chance to get acquainted with 
his cigarettes. Will you have one now? 

CLARA 

I don't receive stolen goods. 

THIEF 

That's a little hard on Charles, Isn't It? He 
seems to be enjoying his. 

CHARLES 

Bully cigarette. Hempsted's a connoisseur. 
Truth is — we don't know the Hempsteds. 
They've never called. 

II 



SHAM 



THIEF 

That's right, Charles. Tell the truth and shame 
(with a jerk of his head toward Clara) — you 
know who. 

CLARA 

Charles, there isn't any reason, I'm sure — 

THIEF 

Quietly, please. Remember my head. I'm 
sorry but I must decline to discuss your social 
prospects with you, and also your neighbors' 
shortcomings, much as we should all enjoy it. 
There isn't time for that. Let's get down to 
business. The question we'v^e got to decide and 
decide very quickly is, What would you like to 
have me take? 

CLARA (aghast) 

What would we — what would we like to have 
you take? Why — why — you can't take any- 
thing now; we're here. Of all the nerve! 
What would we like — 

THIEF 

It gains by repetition, doesn't it. 

CHARLES 

You've got me, old man. You'll have to come 
again. I may be slow, but I don't for the mo- 
ment see the necessity for your taking anything. 

THIEF 

I was afraid of this. I'll have to begin farther 
back. Look here now, just suppose I go away 
and don't take anything (with an air of tri- 
umph) How would you like that ? 

12 



SHAM 



CHARLES 

Suits me to a "T." How about you, my dear? 
Think you can be firm and bear up under it? 

THIEF , 

Don't be sarcastic. YouVe too big. Only 
women and little men should be sarcastic. Be- 
sides, it isn't fair to me, when I'm trying to 
help you. Here am I, trying to get you out ot 
a mighty ticklish situation, and you go and get 
funny. It isn't right. 

CHARLES 

Beg pardon, old man. Try us in words of one 
syUable. You see this is a new situation for us. 
But we're anxious to learn. 

THIEF 

Listen, then. See if you can follow this. Now 
there's nothing in your house that I want; noth- 
ing that I could for a moment contemplate keep- 
ing without a good deal of pain to myself. 

CLARA 

We're trying to spare you. But if yo« care to 
know, we had the advice of Elsie de Wolte. 

THIEF (wonderingly) 

Elsie de Wolfe ? Elsie, how could you ! Now, 
if you had asked me to guess, I should have 
said— the Pullman Company. I shudder to 
think of owning any of this bric-a-brac myselt. 
But it must be done. Here am I offering to 
burden myself with something I don't want, 
wouldn't keep for worlds, and couldn t seU. 
(Growing a little oratorical) Why do I do 
this? 

13 



SHAM 



CHARLES 

Yes, why do you ? 

CLARA 

Hush, Charles; it's a rhetorical question; he 
wants to answer it himself. 

THIEF 

I do it to accommodate you. Must I be even 
plainer? Imagine that I go away, refusing to 
take anything in spite of your protests. Imag- 
ine it's to-morrow. The police and the report- 
ers have caught wind of the story. Something 
has been taken from every house in Sargent 
Road — except one. The nature of the articles 
shows that the thief is a man of rare discrim- 
ination. To be quite frank — a connoisseur. 

CLARA 

A connoisseur of what? Humph! 

THIEF 

And a connoisseur of such judgment that to 
have him pass your Rubens by is to cast doubt 
upon its authenticity. I do not exaggerate. Let 
me tell you that from the Hempsteds — (Clara 
leans forward, all interest) — but that would 
take too long. (She leans back) The public 
immediately asks. Why did the thief take noth- 
ing from 2819 Sargent Road? The answer is 
too obvious : There is nothing worth taking at 
2819 Sargent Road. 

CHARLES ( comprehendingly ) 
Um-hu-m ! 

THIEF 

The public laughs. Worse still, the neighbors 
14 



SHAM 



laugh. What becomes of social pretensions 
after that? It's a serious thing, laughter is. 
It puts anybody's case out of court. And it's a 
serious thing to have a thief pass you by. Peo- 
ple have been socially marooned for less than 
that. Have I made myself clear? Are you 
ready for the question ? What would you like 
to have me take? 

CHARLES 

Now, old man, I say that's neat. Sure you 
aren't a lawyer? 

THIEF 

I have studied the law — but not from that side. 

CLARA 

It's all bosh. Why couldn't we claim we'd lost 
something very valuable, something we'd never 
had? 

THIEF (solemnly) 

That's the most shameless proposal I've ever 
heard. Yes, you could lie about it. I can't con- 
ceal from you what I think of your moral stand- 
ards. 

CHARLES 

I can't imagine you concealing anything un- 
pleasant. 

CLARA 

It's no worse than — 

THIEF 

Your moral sense is blunted. But I can't attend 
to that now. Think of this : Suppose, as I said, 
I should take nothing and you should publish 

15 



SHAM 



that bare-faced lie, and then I should get caught. 
Would I shield you? Never. Or suppose I 
shouldn't get caught. Has no one entered your 
house since you have been here? Doesn't your 
maid know what you have ? Can you trust her 
not to talk? No, no, it isn't worth the risk. 
It isn't even common sense, to say nothing of 
the moral aspects of the case. Why do people 
never stop to think of the practical advantages 
of having things stolen ! Endless possibilities ! 
Why, a woman loses a $5 brooch and it's im- 
mediately worth $15. The longer it stays lost, 
the more diamonds it had in it, until she prays 
God every night that it won't be found. Look 
at the advertising she gets out of it. And does 
she learn anything from it? Never. Let a 
harmless thief appear in her room and she yells 
like a hyena instead of saying to him, like a 
sensible woman : "Hands up ; I've gort: you right 
where I want you; you take those imitation 
pearls off my dresser and get to hell out of here. 
If I ever see you or those pearls around here 
again, I'll hand you over to the police." That's 
what she ought to say. It's the chance of her 
life. But unless she's an actress, she misses it 
absolutely. A thief doesn't expect gratitude, 
but it seems to me he might at least expect un- 
derstanding and intelligent co-operaticai. Here 
are you facing disgrace, and here am I willing 
to save you. And what do I get? Sarcasm, 
cheap sarcasm ! 

CHARLES 

I beg your pardon, old man. I'm truly sorry. 
You're just too advanced for us. Clara, there's 
an idea in it. What do you think? 
16 



S H A xM 



CLARA 

It has its possibilities. Now if he'll let me 
choose — Isn't there a joker in it somewhere? 
Let me think. We might let you have some- 
thing. What do you want? 

'^HIEF (indignantly) 

What do I want? I — don't want — anything. 
Can't you see that? The question is, What do 
you want me to have? And please be a little 
considerate. Don't ask me to take the pianola 
or the ice-box. Can't you make up your minds. 
Let me help you. Haven't you got some old 
wedding gifts ? Everybody has. Regular white 
elephants, yet you don't dare get rid of them 
for fear the donors will come to see you and 
miss them. A discriminating thief is a godsend. 
All you have to do is write: "Dear Maude and 
Fred: Last night our house was broken into, 
and of course the first thing that was taken was 
that lovely Roycroft chair you gave us." Or 
choose what you like. Here's opportunity 
knocking at your door. Make it something 
ugly as you please, but something genuine. I 
hate sham. 

CLARA 

Charles, it's our chance. There's that lovely, 
hand-carved — 

THIEF 

Stop ! I saw it (shuddering) It has the marks 
of the machine all over it. Not that. I can't 
take that. 



CLARA 

Beggars shouldn't be — 
17 



SHAM 



THIEF 

Where's my coat? That settles it. 

CLARA 

Oh, don't go ! I didn't mean ir. Honestly I 
didn't. It just slipped out. You mustn't leave 
us like this — 

THIEF 

I don't have to put up with such — 

CLARA 

Oh, please stay, and take something! Haven't 
we anything you want? Charles, hold him; 
don't let him go. No, that won't do any good. 
Talk to him — 

CHARLES 

Don't be so sensitive, old man. She didn't 
mean it. You know how those old sayings slip 
out— just say themselves. She only called you 
a little beggar anyway. You ought to hear 
what she calls me sometimes. 

THIEF 

I don't want to. I'm not her husband. And I 
don't believe she does it in the same way, either. 
But I'm not going to be mean about this. I'll 
give you another chance. Trot out your curios. 

CHARLES 

How about this? Old luster set of Clara's 
grandmother's. I'm no judge of such things 
myself, but if you could use it, take it. Grand- 
dad gave it to her when they were sweethearts, 
didn't he, Clara? 

i8 



SHAM 



THIEF 

That! Old luster? That jug won't be four 
years old its next birthday. Don't lay such 
things to your grandmother. Have some re- 
spect for the dead. If you gave more than 
$3.98 for it, they saw you coming. 

CLARA 

You don't know anything about it. You're just 
trying to humiliate us because you know you 
have the upper hand. 

THIEF 

All right. Go ahead. Take your own risks. 

CLARA 

There's this Sheffield tray? 

THIEF 

No. 

CHARLES 

Do you like Wedgewood? 

THIEF 

Yes, where is it? (Looks at it) No. 

CLARA 

This darling hawthorne vase — 

THIEF 

Please take it away. It isn't hawthorne. 

CHARLES 

I suppose Cloisonne — 

THIEF 

If they were any of them what you call them. 
But they aren't. 

19 



SHAM 



CHARLES , 

Well, if you'd consider burnt wood, ihat s a 
genuine burn. 

rpTTTp "P 

Nothing short of cremation would do jt justice. 

Of course I've got to take one of them, if they re 

all you've got. But honestly, there isn t one 

genuine thing in this house, except Charles— 

and — and the ham sandwich. 
CLARA (takes miniature from cabinet) 

I wonder if you would treasure this as I do. 

It's very dear to me. It's grandmother— 
THIEF (suspiciously) 

Grandmother again? 

CLARA , . c 4.Uo<- 

As a little girl. Pamted on ivory, bee that 
quaint old coral necklace. And those adorable 
?ellow curls. And the pink circle comb. Would 
you like it ? 

^Trying to appeal to my sympathy I've a good 
notion to take it to punish you. I wonder if 
IS your grandmother. There isn't the slightest 
family resemblance. Look here !— it is !— it s 
a copy of the Selby miniature ! Woman do you 
knTwho that 'is? It's Harriet Beecher 
Stowe at twelve. What have you done with 
my overcoat? 

^Tgiv^up. Here it is. Clara, that was too bad. 

CLARA 

I wanted to see if he d know. 

20 



SHAM 



CHARLES 

There's no use trying to save us after this. 
We'll just have to bear the disgrace. 

THIEF 

Charles, you're a trump ! I'll even take that 
old daub for YOU. Give it to me. 

CHARLES 

Walt a minute. You won't have to. Say, 
Clara, where is that old picture of Cousin Paul? 
It's just as bad as it pretends to be, if genuine- 
ness is all you want. 

THIEF (suspiciously) 

Who is Cousin Paul? Don't try to ring in 
Daniel Webster on me. 

CHARLES 

Cousin of mine. Lives on a farm near Mad- 
ison, Wisconsin. 

THIEF 

You don't claim the picture is by Sargent or 
Whistler? 

CLARA 

It couldn't be — 
THIEF (ignoring her pointedly) 

Do you, Charles? 

CHARLES 

Certainly not. It's a water color of the purest 
water, and almost a speaking likeness. 

THIEF 

I'll take Cousin Paul. Probably he has human 
interest. 

21 



SHAM 



CHARLES 

That's the last thing I should have thought of 
in connection with Cousin Paul. 

THIEF 

Bring him, but wrapped, please. My courage 
might fail me if I saw him face to face. 

CHARLES (leaving room for picture) 
Mine always does. 

THIEF 

While Charles is wrapping up the picture, I 
want to know how you got back so early. Your 
maid said you were going to the Garrick. 

CLARA 

We told her so. But we went to the moving 
pictures. 

THIEF 

You ought not to go to the movies. It will de- 
stroy your literary taste and weaken your minds. 

CLARA 

I don't care for them myself, but Charles won't 
see anything else. 

THIEF 

You ought to make him. Men only go to the 
theater anyway because their wives take them. 
They'd rather stay at home or play billiards. 
You have a chance right there. Charles will 
go where you take him. By and by he will begin 
to like it. Now to-night there was a Granville 
Barker show at the Garrick, and you went to 
the movies to see a woman whose idea of cute- 
ness is to act as if she had a case of arrested 
mental development. 

22 



SHAM 



CHARLES (entering, doing up picture) 

Silly old films, anyway. But Clara will go. 
Goes afternoons when I'm not here, and then 
drags me off again in the evening. Here's your 
picture, as soon as I get it tied up. Can't tell 
you how grateful we are. Shall we make it 
unanimous, Clara? 

CLARA 

I haven't the vote, you know. Clumsy! give 
me the picture. 

THIEF 

Don't try to thank me. If you'll give up this 
shamming I'll feel repaid for my time and 
trouble (looking at watch) By Jove ! it's far 
too much time. I must make tracks this min- 
ute. I'll feel repaid if you'll take my advice 
about the theater for one thing, and — why 
don't you bundle all this imitation junk together 
and sell it and get one genuine good thing? 
(Clara leaves, apparently for more string) 

CHARLES 

Who'd buy them? 
THIEF 

There must be other people in the world with 
taste as infallibly bad as yours. 

CHARjlES 

Call that honest? 

THIEF 

Certainly. I'm not telling you to sell them as 
relics. You couldn't in the first place, except to 
a home for the aged and indigent blind. But 
I know a man who needs them. They'd rejoice 

23 



SHAM 



his heart. They'd be things of beauty to him. 
I wish I could help you pick out something with 
your money. But I don't dare risk seeing you 
again. 

CLARA (re-entering, with the picture tied) 
Why not? There's honor among thieves. 

THIEF 

There is. If you were thieves, I'd know just 
how far to trust you. Now, I'd be willing to 
trust Charles as man to man. Gentleman's 
agreement. But (looking at Clara) I don't 
know — 

CHARLES 

Clara is just as honest as we are — with her own 
class. But your profession puts you outside the 
pale with her; you're her natural enemy. You 
haven't any rights. But you've been a liberal 
education for us both. 

THIEF 

I've been liberal. You meet me — listen I — there 
are footsteps on the porch. I — I've waited too 
long. Here I've stood talking — 

CHARLES 

Well, stop it now, can't you. I don't see how 
you've ever got anywhere. Hide ! 

THIEF 

No, it can't be done. If you'll play fair, I'm 
safe enough here in this room, safer than any- 
where else. Pretend I'm a friend of yours. 
You will? Gentleman's agreement? (he shakes 
hands with Charles) 

24 



SHAM 



CHARLES 

Gentleman's agreement. My word of honor. 

CLARA (offers her hand as Charles starts for the 
door) 

Gentleman's agreement, but only in this. I 
haven't forgiven you for what you've said. If 
I ever get you in a tight place — look out. 

THIEF (taking her hand) 

Don't tell more than the one necessary lie. It's 
so easy to get started in that sort of thing. Stick 
to it that I'm a friend of the family and that I've 
been spending the evening. God knows I have ! 

CLARA 

I'll try to stick to that. But can't I improvise a 
little? It's such fun! 

THIEF 

Not a bit. Not one little white lie. 

CHARLES (entering with a young man behind him) 
It's a man from the News. He says he was out 
here on another story and he's got a big scoop. 
There's been some artistic burglary in the neigh- 
borhood and he's run onto it. I told him we 
hadn't lost anything and that we don't want to 
get into the papers ; but he wants us to answer 
a few questions. 

REPORTER 

Please do. I need some stuff about the neigh- 
borhood. 

CLARA 

I don't know, Charles, but that it's our duty. 
(She smiles wickedly at the thief) Something 

25 



SHAM 



we say may help catch the thieves. Perhaps we 
owe it to law and order. 

REPORTER 

That's right. Would you object if I used your 

name? 

(Charles and the thief motion to Clara to keep 

still, but throughout the rest of the conversation 

she disregards their frantic signals, and sails 

serenely on.) 

CLARA 

I don't know that we should mind if you men- 
tion us nicely. Will the Hempsteds be in? I 
shan't mind it, if they don't. 

REPORTER 

Good for you. Now, have you — 

CLARA 

We have missed something. We haven't had 

time to look thoroughly, but we do know that 

one of our pictures is gone. 

(The men are motioning to her, hut she goes on 

sweetly.) 

REPORTER 

A-a-ah ! Valuable picture. He hasn't taken 
anything that wasn't best of its class. Remark- 
able chap. Must be the same one that rifled the 
Pierpont collection of illuminated manuscripts. 
Culled the finest pieces without a mistake. 

THIEF (interested) 

He made one big mistake. He — (stops short) 

REPORTER 

Know the Pierponts ? 

26 



SHAM 



THIEF 

Er — ye-es. I've been in their house. (Retires 
from the conversation. Clara smiles.) 

REPORTER 

Well, believe me, If he's taken anything, your 
reputation as collectors is made. Picture, eh? 
Old master, I suppose? 

CLARA 

A family portrait. We treasured it for that. 
Associations, you know. 

REPORTER 

Must have been valuable, all right. Depend on 
him to know. He don't run away with any junk. 
Who was the artist? 

CLARA 

We don't know — definitely. 

REPORTER 

Never heard it attributed to anybody? 

CLARA 

We don't care to make any point of such things. 
But there have been people who have thought — 
it was not — a — a Gilbert Stuart. 

CHARLES 

Clara! 

CLARA 

I don't know much about such things myself. 
But our friend (nods toward the thief), Mr. — 
Mr. Hlbbard — who has some reputation as a 
collector, has always said that it was — not. In 
spite of that fact, he had offered to take it off 

• our hands. 

. 27 



SHAM 



CHARLES 

Clara, you're going too far — 

REPORTER 

She's quite right. You're wrong, Mr. Hibbard, 
You may be good, but this fellow KNOWS. 
Too bad you didn't take it while the taking was 
good. This fellow never sells. Of course he 
can't exhibit. Just loves beautiful things. No, 
sir, it was real. 

THIEF (between his teeth) 

It wasn't. Of all the — 
CLARA (smiling) 

You take your beating so ungracefully, Mr. 

Hibbard. The case, you see, is all against you. 

THIEF 

Be careful. The picture may be found at any 
minute. Don't go too far. 

CLARA 

I hardly think it will be found unless the thief 
is caught. And I have such perfect confidence 
in his good sense that I don't expect that. 

REPORTER 

Lots of time for a getaway. When was he 
here? 

CLARA 

He was gone when we came from the theater. 
But we must almost have caught him. Some of 
our finest things were gathered together here on 
the table ready for his flight. How he must 
have hated to leave them, all the miniatures and 
the cloissone. I almost feel sorry for him. 
28 



SHAM 



CHARLES 

I do. 
CLARA 

You see, we went to the Garrlck for the Gran- 
ville Barker show. Mr. Hibbard took us (she 
smiles sweetly at htm) I'm devoted to the best 
in drama and I always insist that Charles and 
Mr. Hibbard shall take me only to the finest 
things. And now we come home to find our — 
You're sure it was a Gilbert Stuart? — gone. 

THIEF 

I've got to be getting out of here ! Can't stay 
a minute longer! Charles, I wish you luck in 
that reform we were speaking of, but I haven't 
much hope (looking at Clara) There is such 
a thing as total depravity. Oh, here ! (taking 
package from under his arm) What am I 
thinking of? I was running away with your 
package (hands it to Clara) 

CLARA (refusing it) 

Oh, but it's yours, Mr. Hibbard. I couldn't 
think of taking it. Really, you must keep it to 
remember us by. Put it among your art treas- 
ures at home, next to your lovely illumiinated 
manuscripts, and whenever you look at it re- 
member us and this delightful evening, from 
which we are all taking away so much. You 
must keep it — that's part of the bargain, isn't 
it? And now are we even? 

THIEF 

Even ? Far from it. I yield you your woman's 
right to the last word, and I admit it's the best 
(stoops and kisses her hand) Good-night, 
29 



SHAM 



Clara. (To the reporter) May I give you a 
lift back to town? 

REPORTER 

Thanks. As far as the Hempsted's corner. 
Good-night. Thank you for this much help. 
(Exeunt,) 

CHARLES 

Thank goodness, they've gone. What relief! 
That pace is too rapid for me. You had me 
running round in circles. But he's got the pic- 
ture, and we're safe at last. But don't you 
think, Clara, you took some awful risks. You 
goaded him pretty far. 

CLARA 

I had to. Did you hear him call me Clara? 

CHARLES 

He had to (chuckling) He doesn't know our 
name. But he wasn't a bad fellow, was he? 
I couldn't help liking him in spite of his impu- 
dence. 

CLARA 

You showed it. You took sides with him 
against me all the time the reporter was here. 
But, you know, he was right about our house. 
It's all wrong. The Hempsteds would see it 
in a minute. ^ I believe I'll clear out this cabinet 
and have this room done over in mahogany. 

CHARLES 

Too expensive this winter. 

CLARA 

Birch will do just as well — nobody knows the 
difference. Listen! is he coming back? 

30 



SHAM 



REPORTER (in the doorway) 

Excuse me — listen. Mr. Hibbard says you've 
given him the wrong package. He says you 
need this to go with the picture of your grand- 
mother. And he says, sir, that you need to get 
wise to your own family. He's waiting for me. 
Good-night ! (Exit) 

CHARLES (angrily) 

Get wise to my own family? He may know all 
about art (undoing the picture) but I guess I 
know my own relatives. (Holds up picture so 
that audience can see it, but he can't) And if 
that isn't a picture of my own cousin Paul, I'll 
eat — (sees Clara laughing) What the devil I 
(Looks at picture, which represents George 
Washington) Clara ! you did that ! (laughs up- 
roariously) You little cheat! 

CURTAIN. 



31 



Ready Shortly 

The Provincetown Plays 

Edited by- 
George Cram Cook and Frank Shay 

THE CONTENTS ARE: 

Alice Rostetter's comedy The Widow's Veil 

James Oppenheim's poetic Night 
George Cram Cook's and 

Susan Glaspeirs Suppressed Desires 

Eugene O'Neiirs play Bound East for Cardiff 

Edna St. Vincent Millay's Aria de Capo 

Rita Wellman's String of the Samisen 

Wilbur D. Steele's satire Not Smart 

Floyd Dell's comedy The Angel Intrudes 

Hutchin Hapgood's and 

Neith Boyce's play Enemies 

Pendleton King's Cocaine 

Every author, with one exception, has a book or more to 
his credit. Several are at the top of their profession. 

Rita Wellman, a Saturday Evening Post star, has had two 
or three plays on Broadway, and has a new novel, THE 
WINGS OF DESIRE. 

Cook and Glaspell are well known — he for his novels, and 
Miss Glaspell for novels and plays. 

E. Millay is one of America's best minor poets. Steele, 
according to O'Brien, is America's best short-story writer. 

Oppenheim has over a dozen novels, books of poems and 
essays to his credit. 

O'Neill has a play on Broadway now, BEYOND THE 
HORIZON. 

Hutch. Hapgood is author of the STORY OF A LOVER, 
published by Boni and Liveright anonymously. 
8do. Silk Cloth, Gilt Top, Net $3.00: % Turkev Morocco, Net $12.00 

STEWART & KIDD COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS CINCINNATI, U. S. A. 



7() lit: PUBLISHED s 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

liillllllllllllllllll* 

015 928 573 A 



Fifty Contemporary One -Act Plays 

Edited by Frank Shay and Pierre Loving 

rh,s volume contains KIKTY RKPRESENTATIVE ONE-ACT 
PI AYS ot the MODERN THEATRE, chosen from the dramatic 

works of coiucinporarv writors all over the world. 

THF. CONTKN rS ARE 
SPAIN: 



Ar STRIA: 
Schnit/lor ^Arthur'' Literature 

niTC.ll'M: 
MiiotexUttck ^Muurlce^ The Intruder 

UOl IMA: 
More vKeiierico^ Interlude 

FRANCF: 

Ancey C^ot>r>ieM. Lamblln 
Torto-Riche vC.et>r>ies^ Franct>isi-'s 
luck 

C;FRMANY: 
FttUuiler vKiirF-Altruism 
von Hofmunsthal vHu^o'Miidonna 

\>>dekind i.Fn\nk' The Tenor 

C;RF AT BRITAIN: 

Bonnoft Arnold A Cood\>oman 
1 nldoron .George -The Little Stone 

House 
l.imn:in .Cilbort -Mary's Weddlnjl 
Oowson Ernest The IMerrot of the 

Minute 
Fills .Mrs. Havelock^-The Subjection 

of Ke/la 
Ihinkln ^St. John^ The Constant 

Lover 
INDIA: 

Mukorjl Ohan Copcil' The Jud^- 

nient of India 

IREL.\NT): 
Grejiory Lady The Workhouse Ward 

HOLLAND: 

Spveenhoff ^J. H.^-Louis.- 
HITS GARY: 

Biro Lajos'>-The Grandmother 
ITALY: 

Glacosa vGiuseppe''-The Ri>lhts of the 
Soul 
Rl SSL\: 

Andrevev (.Leonid^ - Love of One's 
Neijihbor 

Tchekoff , Anton' -The Boor 



Benevente (,Jaclnto>-Love Shocks 
Ouinteros <Serafina and Joaquin 
Alrarexl-A Sunn>- Morninit 

SWEDEN: 
Strindberil *, August V The Strontter 
Wied vGustaveV Autumn Fires 

ITXITED STATES: 
Beach ^.Lewis'*- Brothers 
Cowan vSada'^-ln the Morgue 
Gjocier vBosworthWThe Baby Gar- 

rlnfte 
CronjTi (.Geooie W.VA Death in Fever 

Flat 
Davies i,Marycarol\Ti"^-The Slave with 

Two Faces 
Day ^Frederic L.)-The Slump 
Flanner vHilde^iurdeUManslons 
Glaspell Susjin -Trifles 
(;erstenber>i (.Alice The Pot BoUer 
Helburn ^Theresa '-Enter the Hero 
Hudson TIolland)-The Shepherd in 

the Distance 
Kemp Tlsirry^ - Boccaccio's Untold 

Tale 
Laniiner \L;iMreuce> - Another Way 

Out 
Millav vEdna St. Vincent -Arlo del 

Gap.i 
MvK^'ler iPhll!p Helena's Husband 
Miviher vJohn Chapia -Sauce for the 

Emperor 
O'Neil (.Euiiene -He 
Stevens Tliomas Wood)-The Niu-sery 

Maid of Heaven 
Stevens ^.Wallace) -Three Travelers 

Watch a Sunrise 
Tompkins Fr.»nk G.i-Sham 
W alker ^ Stuart -The Medicine Show 
W oilman Rira^-For All Time 
Wilde ^Percivali-The Finger of God 

YIDDISH: 
Ash Sholom -Night 



Pinski .E>avid -Forgotten Souls 



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PUBLISHERS :-: CINCINNATI. U. S. A. 



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■m. 

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